4 weeks to nyc

OK been naughty haven't written much.  To be honest with different family problems and now works in the toilet haven't felt like it.

Any way given up the diet just trying not to binge.  Although after a stressful work meeting did demolish a family bag of buttons.

However I have given up drinkl until May and I am doing a 45 minute Zumba workout on the xbox and 5 k run a day.  Done it for 4 days now so feeling pleased with myself.

Hopefully the exercise will counter act the food choices.  Maybe need to realise at 40 I am just not meant to be a size 10 and concentrate on toning up the wobbly bits... that's the plan anyway.

Have sacked slim fast

weighed myseelf on friday and hadn't lost ANY weight... so harsh. Have given up n the slim fast.  now what.  only 5 weeks to New York very dispondant now.  Really am disgusted with myself.

Lost 2lb Is that it?

Weighed myself Friday  lost 2lb.  Now second week on slim fast.  God its hard.  Have been good though.  Well during the day, things tend to go to pot of a night.  Same old story.  Imagine what I could have lost if I don't have wine!

Slim fast it is then!

Been on slim fast since Fri. God it's hard work.  Haven't cheated though, unless you count half a fairy cake yesterday. 

 weeks and I will be in New York that's what the call serious motivation.

I am afraid I can't tell you what I weigh because A) I think its counter productive.
                                                                        B) I am too scared.

Work makes me fat!

This is the huge mountain of food that greats me when I sit in the staff room.  This isn't a special occasion just a daily occurrence.  I have now resorted to a slim fast diet.  Got only 7 weeks to NYC and I know my visit will be spoiled if I feel too fat when I am there.  I am hoping that by restricting myself so severely I will stop the binges.

I am looking forward to my cocktails later though!

Not Feeling Very Fab

Didn't go to Rosemary this week.  To be honest chickened out.  Knew all I have done is eat so Hadn't lost any weight.  Have been getting up every day to do my Zumba Xbox which is fab,

Put some work trousers on today and they are feeling snugger.  Can't blame the tumble dryer as I know these defiantly haven't been in!  What did I do to make myself better brought a chocolate bar and ate it when I got home.  Not good.  Although was only 117 calories.

Feel dreadful have a migraine and now got to to go to work.  Hoping they send me home but bet they won't.  Then got a concert tonight.  been really looking forward to it to.  Off to get some migraleave on way to work now.

Had a set back.

Had total humiliation at Rosemary.  Now weigh more then I started.  Think she may well ask me to leave as not good for business.

My sister said I shouldn't go any more as my self esteem is through the floor and its counter productive.  I am wondering if it's making me fat.

I should just be looking forward to my birthday and learning to love the way I am.  Realistically I am not horrendously overweight.

Trouble is I am an emotional eater and in times of stress I feel compelled to stuff my face.  Really need to see a physcologist I think.  Did something awful today, which terrified me.  i am under a lot of stress with family issues and I completely stuffed myself dinner time .

Too weigh or not to weigh that is the question....

Had a fab week last week Matt's birthday and then a lovely weekend away.  Unfortunately all this involved eating.  Meals, birthday cake, birthday cupcakes, Sunday roast, champagne... lots of champagne.  Oh I dread to think how many calories I have consumed.  Ate 3 cookies in one go.  soo bad.

Now I have to face the weekly weigh in.  Didn't do it last week because I chickened it.  New york coming up so fast and really have major will power failure.  Here is how my day collapsed:

Breakfast                                          Oats so simple                                   Good
Morning break                                 1 plum 5 almonds                                Good
Dinner                                              weight watcher bagel with salad           good

Then................................

Brought card and bar of Thornton's and fudge chocolate                                  Bad.   V Bad
Calvin's birthday at work so coffee cake                                                         Bad     V V Bad

Came home from work going to cl;ass so no tea yet

Bag Snackerjacks  98 cals
Muffin                   157 cals
Euans cold leftovers

Why did I ruin a perfectly good day?  I absolutely despair.... So to weigh or not to weigh?

Happy Birthday Matt

Still a dieting disaster.  Matt birthday this week so had lots of food and drink.  Can't seem to get a grip.  Have booked lots of trips for new york.  Away for weekend but going cycling and swimming so hopefully will try and undo some damage.  Run out of excuses come Monday.  Only 9 weeks to new york so gotta do well then.  Might try just eating fruit in day and then no carbs at night.. it's a thought.  Not a very exciting one.

At this rate my party dress will not fit.

Better Now

very exciting I have my party dress and even better it's a size 10 and I can do the zip up.
Admittedly as Euan has pointed out it will look better when I have lost more weight!!! God with the kids cheer leading me what can go wrong.

Thing I have found my mojo again.  Exercised for 2 hours yesterday and plan to later today.  Thing the exercise is the key.  I love my food and wine too much.  Just need to make sure I don't go overboard on either.

Not going well.

Oh dear.  Its been a few days till I updated this.  Things not going well at all.  Put on 3lb at Rosemary.  You would have thought that would be the trigger I need to get back into it.  You are wrong turned into some kind of manic eating machine.  I am binging in a really bad way.  Everything seems to have gone out of control.  Gone back onto EBay and brought 3 dresses in a size too small. Had a drink every night which is not good at all.  That defiantly has to stop now.  I think my self esteem is on the floor.  Ive slipped into bad ways and every time I look in the mirror I tell myself how fat and ugly and what an awful person I am.

Sounds weired but I am kind of punishing myself with food.  I know its bad for me and I am not even enjoying the food when it goes in.

What has triggered this?  I don't know I am very stressed about all the good things coming up.  I just feel overwhelmed by it all and I am worried about where the money is coming from.  I am not so stressed about work.  I have accepted the situation is how it is and just go with the flow.  Really don't think the remark helped from someone saying they knew I wouldn't do it. 

I am just really down.  Need to give myself an enormous kick up the arse!

Humpty Dumpty

Oh dear.  I am very ashamed to say, like Humpty Dumpty I have well and truly fallen off the wall.  I have not done any exercise and well just gorged and binged since last Friday.  Truth be told don't know why I have done it.  Feel sick and ashamed.  Its defiantly all or nothing with me.  I just think I have quite a flawed addicted personality.  In my heart I know when I shoveled in the toffee I brought for Matts Valentines that I was punishing myself with food.  Somebody made a remark to me that I was refusing chocolate and puddings they were just sitting back and waiting for me to fail.  That really hurt that a close family member could say that.  Is that what you all think?.  Also the question is .. is that what I secretly think as well that I am doomed to fail?.

Really need to face this head on and not wait for the kings horses to put me together again.  Got to do it myself.  Now where is that Bostik?

Its all gone pete tong!

Oh dear having total diet disaster.  Was so good last week got up and exercised everyday and ate nothing. Then Friday night I decided to prepare myself for my aerobathon by eating chocolate and drinking wine.

I am sure most world class athletes warm up in this way.  Did my four hour aerobathon and then @rewarded@ myself by eating chocolate.  Matt then whisked me away for the night which included more wine and a three course meal and a cooked breakfast.

Today is valentines day and I have a three course meal waiting when I get home plus chocolates and yes, more wine! I thought I would be good all day but I have demolished the chocolates sitting at the table .  Why am I doing this.  Think my arch Nemesis Mr Sugar is at work.  Really am convinced it is an addiction.  Get today out the way then cold turkey again... need that size 10 wardrobe for NYC!

On Target... Slow but Sure

Yippee lost another 1lb.  That's 5lb in 4 weeks so on target.  Have 13 weeks to new york so could possibly get to 9stone by then.

Took a tip from biggest looser and totally beast ed myself on a lost chance work out yesterday. Good job I did as I probably wouldn't have lost.  I aim to loose 2lb this week so majorly stepping up the exercise.

Got a 4hour charity aerobathon on Saturday.  What was I thinking.  Going out for a meal tonight so no pudding and no drinking.  Driving anyway.  Then a meal Saturday but at least I will have worked that off!!

No luck on the job front.  Was positive I would have been asked for an interview.  Major reality check.  God so depressing looking fro part time jobs.  There just aren't any with hours that will fit round the kids, unless you want to work evenings or weekends and I really don't want to do that again.

Finding it so hard to go into work everyday. The atmosphere is awful and it is really sucking me down with it.  just have to keep looking.

Bad Bad Weekend

Been so good all week. Got up and gone on treadmill everyday.. now that's dedication.  Well same old story all goes wrong weekend due to those alcohol fairies.  Went out with Emma fri . I was good had two G & T's (well doubles can,t be that good) had a meal but had salmon with baked potato no butter.  Oh my God then Saturday night. Had friends over.  I cooked a curry and made cup cakes.  I had far too much to drink and lost all sense of calorie control.  They went at 3.45 and I can remember cooking and eating pizza at 2am.  How bad is that.

Then today because of my hangover did no exercise and I am ashamed to say have eaten another cup cake and gasp chocolate.

Must do better tomorrow.

Party dress update.  Came and was horrid so sending back tomorrow. Why don't things look the same in the flesh what a disappointment.

1lb Boo

Weighed in last night lost one lousy pound. Must admit disappointed although did have the wine calories and kfc!  Have decided to step up the exercise so hauled my lazy ass out of bed at 6.30 and went on treadmill for half hour.  Will try to do that each morning.  Feel better for it though.

Having a hard time at the moment don't mean to whinge but this time of year so difficult for me.  Can feel the black dog of depression looming over me.Just sometimes feel crippled by self doubt and loneliness.  Paranoia is crippling into my brain.  Don't get me wrong I'm not a total fruitcake and I have been through worse but sometimes I really would like to disappear.

Just try to keep reminding myself that I am so loved by Matt and the kids (even if nobody else does) and I have so much to look forward to this year. Although that freaks me out because realistically really don't know how I am going to afford it all but your a long time dead aren't you.

Think all this stress and uncertainty at work doesn't help but I am actively looking at changing that so watch this space.

God I sound a right moaning mini today don't I? Well going to carry on and not crack and eat chocolate, crisps or cake!

Ssssh I've got a guilty secret.

Ive done something very naughty.  Have bought my party dress already.  Lovely dress but I have gone for a size 10 which is no way going to fit now.  It was a bit expensive and I have got it on the credit card without telling Matt.  I swear to you it was a moment of madness.  Defiantly got to loose the weight now because there is no sending it back if I am still a lard arse in 3 months!

Get weighed tonight.  I know I have been so good apart from my weekend Hiccup (literally ha ha).  Did Zumba last night was so fab.

 Feeling a bit low and depressed at the moment with the work and just generally feeling lonely haven't cracked though which I am very proud of.

The Dangers Of Wine ERHHHH

Had a diet danger spot.  Went out Friday night with my lovely friends.  I set out .. right not going to drink much.. Then I started. Unfortunately because I wanted to save my calories for the liquid form, didn't eat much then set about drinking large glasses of wine.  I have to say I lost count.  I had fab night but unfortunately can't remember most of it.  I do believe I was heckling the Micheal Jackson tribute act.  I have no idea what I said. What a tit.  The only thing for my favour is that I am a very happy drunk not maudlin or aggressive.  I just suffer from amnesia.  God did I feel so rough in the morning.  Did want to die.

Then I had to go to my lovely nephews birthday party which was great but not the best place with a raving hangover.  Then of course because your hungover you eat more.  Ended up having a KFC and then a doughnut and apple pie.  That's why you shouldn't drink on a diet because you have all the alcohol calories and then the hangover calories.  Not feeling confident about my weigh in this week.

Oh Joy 2.5lb

Wow weighed last night at Rosemary's and I have lost 2.5 lb.  Can't believe it .  That's even after 2 meals out and a weekend away.  I knew I had worked hard but sometimes the scales don't always show it.  That's it now fully motivated.

Still got those demons.

Its my first weigh in later with Rosemary. Hope It shows the effort I have put in.  Had bad day yesterday.  Sometimes gets to me at work, the uncertainty of whether were closing or not.  Especially when some old lady wants to volunteer to help run the library... Hang on a minute love I haven't been made redundant yet.  very scared about the future because I really don't want to start looking fro a job again and I have been very lucky and never been made redundant.  Thought there might have been a job at Matts place but he told me there definitely wouldn't be.  Don't know if that's just for me though!.

Despite all this I staid true to my diet and didn't head for the cream cakes.  Was so hard though.  Got Matts birthday present today. So excited.  Also got some new keep fit stuff as mine is on the snug side.  Did try them on first though nothing worse then camel toe haha.

I have a confession though.  I have brought an item of clothing.  A jumper dress in the sale .  Wasn't going to buy anything till New York so I am feeling disappointed with myself.  haven't quite controlled those Demons.  I think I have got an addictive personality though because I do get such a rush from spending money... Which when you look at my current employment prospects is not good.