4 weeks to nyc

OK been naughty haven't written much.  To be honest with different family problems and now works in the toilet haven't felt like it.

Any way given up the diet just trying not to binge.  Although after a stressful work meeting did demolish a family bag of buttons.

However I have given up drinkl until May and I am doing a 45 minute Zumba workout on the xbox and 5 k run a day.  Done it for 4 days now so feeling pleased with myself.

Hopefully the exercise will counter act the food choices.  Maybe need to realise at 40 I am just not meant to be a size 10 and concentrate on toning up the wobbly bits... that's the plan anyway.

Have sacked slim fast

weighed myseelf on friday and hadn't lost ANY weight... so harsh. Have given up n the slim fast.  now what.  only 5 weeks to New York very dispondant now.  Really am disgusted with myself.

Lost 2lb Is that it?

Weighed myself Friday  lost 2lb.  Now second week on slim fast.  God its hard.  Have been good though.  Well during the day, things tend to go to pot of a night.  Same old story.  Imagine what I could have lost if I don't have wine!

Slim fast it is then!

Been on slim fast since Fri. God it's hard work.  Haven't cheated though, unless you count half a fairy cake yesterday. 

 weeks and I will be in New York that's what the call serious motivation.

I am afraid I can't tell you what I weigh because A) I think its counter productive.
                                                                        B) I am too scared.

Work makes me fat!

This is the huge mountain of food that greats me when I sit in the staff room.  This isn't a special occasion just a daily occurrence.  I have now resorted to a slim fast diet.  Got only 7 weeks to NYC and I know my visit will be spoiled if I feel too fat when I am there.  I am hoping that by restricting myself so severely I will stop the binges.

I am looking forward to my cocktails later though!

Not Feeling Very Fab

Didn't go to Rosemary this week.  To be honest chickened out.  Knew all I have done is eat so Hadn't lost any weight.  Have been getting up every day to do my Zumba Xbox which is fab,

Put some work trousers on today and they are feeling snugger.  Can't blame the tumble dryer as I know these defiantly haven't been in!  What did I do to make myself better brought a chocolate bar and ate it when I got home.  Not good.  Although was only 117 calories.

Feel dreadful have a migraine and now got to to go to work.  Hoping they send me home but bet they won't.  Then got a concert tonight.  been really looking forward to it to.  Off to get some migraleave on way to work now.

Had a set back.

Had total humiliation at Rosemary.  Now weigh more then I started.  Think she may well ask me to leave as not good for business.

My sister said I shouldn't go any more as my self esteem is through the floor and its counter productive.  I am wondering if it's making me fat.

I should just be looking forward to my birthday and learning to love the way I am.  Realistically I am not horrendously overweight.

Trouble is I am an emotional eater and in times of stress I feel compelled to stuff my face.  Really need to see a physcologist I think.  Did something awful today, which terrified me.  i am under a lot of stress with family issues and I completely stuffed myself dinner time .

Too weigh or not to weigh that is the question....

Had a fab week last week Matt's birthday and then a lovely weekend away.  Unfortunately all this involved eating.  Meals, birthday cake, birthday cupcakes, Sunday roast, champagne... lots of champagne.  Oh I dread to think how many calories I have consumed.  Ate 3 cookies in one go.  soo bad.

Now I have to face the weekly weigh in.  Didn't do it last week because I chickened it.  New york coming up so fast and really have major will power failure.  Here is how my day collapsed:

Breakfast                                          Oats so simple                                   Good
Morning break                                 1 plum 5 almonds                                Good
Dinner                                              weight watcher bagel with salad           good

Then................................

Brought card and bar of Thornton's and fudge chocolate                                  Bad.   V Bad
Calvin's birthday at work so coffee cake                                                         Bad     V V Bad

Came home from work going to cl;ass so no tea yet

Bag Snackerjacks  98 cals
Muffin                   157 cals
Euans cold leftovers

Why did I ruin a perfectly good day?  I absolutely despair.... So to weigh or not to weigh?

Happy Birthday Matt

Still a dieting disaster.  Matt birthday this week so had lots of food and drink.  Can't seem to get a grip.  Have booked lots of trips for new york.  Away for weekend but going cycling and swimming so hopefully will try and undo some damage.  Run out of excuses come Monday.  Only 9 weeks to new york so gotta do well then.  Might try just eating fruit in day and then no carbs at night.. it's a thought.  Not a very exciting one.

At this rate my party dress will not fit.

Better Now

very exciting I have my party dress and even better it's a size 10 and I can do the zip up.
Admittedly as Euan has pointed out it will look better when I have lost more weight!!! God with the kids cheer leading me what can go wrong.

Thing I have found my mojo again.  Exercised for 2 hours yesterday and plan to later today.  Thing the exercise is the key.  I love my food and wine too much.  Just need to make sure I don't go overboard on either.

Not going well.

Oh dear.  Its been a few days till I updated this.  Things not going well at all.  Put on 3lb at Rosemary.  You would have thought that would be the trigger I need to get back into it.  You are wrong turned into some kind of manic eating machine.  I am binging in a really bad way.  Everything seems to have gone out of control.  Gone back onto EBay and brought 3 dresses in a size too small. Had a drink every night which is not good at all.  That defiantly has to stop now.  I think my self esteem is on the floor.  Ive slipped into bad ways and every time I look in the mirror I tell myself how fat and ugly and what an awful person I am.

Sounds weired but I am kind of punishing myself with food.  I know its bad for me and I am not even enjoying the food when it goes in.

What has triggered this?  I don't know I am very stressed about all the good things coming up.  I just feel overwhelmed by it all and I am worried about where the money is coming from.  I am not so stressed about work.  I have accepted the situation is how it is and just go with the flow.  Really don't think the remark helped from someone saying they knew I wouldn't do it. 

I am just really down.  Need to give myself an enormous kick up the arse!

Humpty Dumpty

Oh dear.  I am very ashamed to say, like Humpty Dumpty I have well and truly fallen off the wall.  I have not done any exercise and well just gorged and binged since last Friday.  Truth be told don't know why I have done it.  Feel sick and ashamed.  Its defiantly all or nothing with me.  I just think I have quite a flawed addicted personality.  In my heart I know when I shoveled in the toffee I brought for Matts Valentines that I was punishing myself with food.  Somebody made a remark to me that I was refusing chocolate and puddings they were just sitting back and waiting for me to fail.  That really hurt that a close family member could say that.  Is that what you all think?.  Also the question is .. is that what I secretly think as well that I am doomed to fail?.

Really need to face this head on and not wait for the kings horses to put me together again.  Got to do it myself.  Now where is that Bostik?

Its all gone pete tong!

Oh dear having total diet disaster.  Was so good last week got up and exercised everyday and ate nothing. Then Friday night I decided to prepare myself for my aerobathon by eating chocolate and drinking wine.

I am sure most world class athletes warm up in this way.  Did my four hour aerobathon and then @rewarded@ myself by eating chocolate.  Matt then whisked me away for the night which included more wine and a three course meal and a cooked breakfast.

Today is valentines day and I have a three course meal waiting when I get home plus chocolates and yes, more wine! I thought I would be good all day but I have demolished the chocolates sitting at the table .  Why am I doing this.  Think my arch Nemesis Mr Sugar is at work.  Really am convinced it is an addiction.  Get today out the way then cold turkey again... need that size 10 wardrobe for NYC!

On Target... Slow but Sure

Yippee lost another 1lb.  That's 5lb in 4 weeks so on target.  Have 13 weeks to new york so could possibly get to 9stone by then.

Took a tip from biggest looser and totally beast ed myself on a lost chance work out yesterday. Good job I did as I probably wouldn't have lost.  I aim to loose 2lb this week so majorly stepping up the exercise.

Got a 4hour charity aerobathon on Saturday.  What was I thinking.  Going out for a meal tonight so no pudding and no drinking.  Driving anyway.  Then a meal Saturday but at least I will have worked that off!!

No luck on the job front.  Was positive I would have been asked for an interview.  Major reality check.  God so depressing looking fro part time jobs.  There just aren't any with hours that will fit round the kids, unless you want to work evenings or weekends and I really don't want to do that again.

Finding it so hard to go into work everyday. The atmosphere is awful and it is really sucking me down with it.  just have to keep looking.

Bad Bad Weekend

Been so good all week. Got up and gone on treadmill everyday.. now that's dedication.  Well same old story all goes wrong weekend due to those alcohol fairies.  Went out with Emma fri . I was good had two G & T's (well doubles can,t be that good) had a meal but had salmon with baked potato no butter.  Oh my God then Saturday night. Had friends over.  I cooked a curry and made cup cakes.  I had far too much to drink and lost all sense of calorie control.  They went at 3.45 and I can remember cooking and eating pizza at 2am.  How bad is that.

Then today because of my hangover did no exercise and I am ashamed to say have eaten another cup cake and gasp chocolate.

Must do better tomorrow.

Party dress update.  Came and was horrid so sending back tomorrow. Why don't things look the same in the flesh what a disappointment.

1lb Boo

Weighed in last night lost one lousy pound. Must admit disappointed although did have the wine calories and kfc!  Have decided to step up the exercise so hauled my lazy ass out of bed at 6.30 and went on treadmill for half hour.  Will try to do that each morning.  Feel better for it though.

Having a hard time at the moment don't mean to whinge but this time of year so difficult for me.  Can feel the black dog of depression looming over me.Just sometimes feel crippled by self doubt and loneliness.  Paranoia is crippling into my brain.  Don't get me wrong I'm not a total fruitcake and I have been through worse but sometimes I really would like to disappear.

Just try to keep reminding myself that I am so loved by Matt and the kids (even if nobody else does) and I have so much to look forward to this year. Although that freaks me out because realistically really don't know how I am going to afford it all but your a long time dead aren't you.

Think all this stress and uncertainty at work doesn't help but I am actively looking at changing that so watch this space.

God I sound a right moaning mini today don't I? Well going to carry on and not crack and eat chocolate, crisps or cake!

Ssssh I've got a guilty secret.

Ive done something very naughty.  Have bought my party dress already.  Lovely dress but I have gone for a size 10 which is no way going to fit now.  It was a bit expensive and I have got it on the credit card without telling Matt.  I swear to you it was a moment of madness.  Defiantly got to loose the weight now because there is no sending it back if I am still a lard arse in 3 months!

Get weighed tonight.  I know I have been so good apart from my weekend Hiccup (literally ha ha).  Did Zumba last night was so fab.

 Feeling a bit low and depressed at the moment with the work and just generally feeling lonely haven't cracked though which I am very proud of.

The Dangers Of Wine ERHHHH

Had a diet danger spot.  Went out Friday night with my lovely friends.  I set out .. right not going to drink much.. Then I started. Unfortunately because I wanted to save my calories for the liquid form, didn't eat much then set about drinking large glasses of wine.  I have to say I lost count.  I had fab night but unfortunately can't remember most of it.  I do believe I was heckling the Micheal Jackson tribute act.  I have no idea what I said. What a tit.  The only thing for my favour is that I am a very happy drunk not maudlin or aggressive.  I just suffer from amnesia.  God did I feel so rough in the morning.  Did want to die.

Then I had to go to my lovely nephews birthday party which was great but not the best place with a raving hangover.  Then of course because your hungover you eat more.  Ended up having a KFC and then a doughnut and apple pie.  That's why you shouldn't drink on a diet because you have all the alcohol calories and then the hangover calories.  Not feeling confident about my weigh in this week.

Oh Joy 2.5lb

Wow weighed last night at Rosemary's and I have lost 2.5 lb.  Can't believe it .  That's even after 2 meals out and a weekend away.  I knew I had worked hard but sometimes the scales don't always show it.  That's it now fully motivated.

Still got those demons.

Its my first weigh in later with Rosemary. Hope It shows the effort I have put in.  Had bad day yesterday.  Sometimes gets to me at work, the uncertainty of whether were closing or not.  Especially when some old lady wants to volunteer to help run the library... Hang on a minute love I haven't been made redundant yet.  very scared about the future because I really don't want to start looking fro a job again and I have been very lucky and never been made redundant.  Thought there might have been a job at Matts place but he told me there definitely wouldn't be.  Don't know if that's just for me though!.

Despite all this I staid true to my diet and didn't head for the cream cakes.  Was so hard though.  Got Matts birthday present today. So excited.  Also got some new keep fit stuff as mine is on the snug side.  Did try them on first though nothing worse then camel toe haha.

I have a confession though.  I have brought an item of clothing.  A jumper dress in the sale .  Wasn't going to buy anything till New York so I am feeling disappointed with myself.  haven't quite controlled those Demons.  I think I have got an addictive personality though because I do get such a rush from spending money... Which when you look at my current employment prospects is not good.

Feeling Angelic

Well just come back from a fabulous weekend in Manchester.  Very wagtastic.  I have to report diet wise I have been a superstar. 

Went out for a meal Friday night and had salmon and salad swapped wine for G&T (half the calories) and NO pudding.  Then took my own sandwiches to Manchester and ate them while the kids ate KFC and last night had salmon and baked spud with no butter.  Did have half bottle of wine and a mini pudding though.  I refused the cooked breakfast and had porridge with fruit. 

Its strange though because I seem to have food under control I seem to have everything else under control .  I stuck to only buying what I needed and didn't for go my clothing pledge.. This is to only buy clothes when I can fit into a 10 and buy a New York wardrobe in one go.

I so hope I have lost this week after this monumental effort.  Friday was so disappointing only loosing one lb.  I so know I have been as good as I could be, Fingers crossed I can keep this up.

Still Motivated

Well started back at Rosemary's did the walk of shame have put on 7lb since October Gulp. Wendy (the instructor ) said bet you can feel that.... No shit Sherlock all on my ass and rotund belly.  Anyway been very good all week have done two RC classes and an hour on the Xbox.   Got a book now to fill in all my calories. Meant to stick to 1200 a day. Jeese so hard. Never really calorie counted before.  There is a lot of guesstimating going on but 1200 calories is NOTHING.

 Going to brave those dreaded Boots scales tomorrow V scary.  If I haven't lost gonna go insane because I know I have worked hard. Worried about the weekend though because going out for a meal Friday and then going to stop in a hotel Saturday will a huge English breakfast.  Repeat I will be good ... I will be restrained.

Stressed and Scared.

I am going back to Rosemary Conley tonight V scared don't think Wendy is going to be too impressed.  Oh well the only way is down (weight wise).  I know I will have put on at least half a stone since I last went which is very depressing.  Exercise wise I have done terrible.  Need to really get into a routine. Food wise I have done well the last few days. Going to be devastated if I haven't lost on Friday.

Weekend Munchies

Have tried to be good this weekend after my scale disaster Friday.  Went out for a meal with my lovely sister and drank too much wine.  then went for a lovely meal at the Old School House . Although did have fish with boiled potatoes but had wine and starter and pudding.  feel bloody enormous.  Was full of good intentions exercise wise but total disaster.  I really hate myself at the moment and all my clothes are getting tight.  Will definitely be back to it tomorrow and starting back at Rosemary Connolly Tuesday.  Although put on half a stone since last went in November.  How humiliating although I wasn't well but its just sad excuses.  Haven't worked out how many weeks to New York or party.  Must keep plodding on.  Matt very focused and sure he is skinnier then me which is not good at all.

Have been good today though.  No snacking.

Oh my god how did that happen!

Got on the scales today full of positivity.  knowing all week I had avoided all the bad stuff with a saintly no thank you.  I have even got my carcass onto the groaning treadmill and lifted weights.  How was all my hard work rewarded ... I have put on 1lb.  How did this happen.  So unfair when I know in my heart of hearts I have really tried.  nearly came back from lunch and reached for a Thornton's chocolate but no I stayed strong.

That's not the only disappointment this week.  part of my fab at 40 is to change my life in a different direction.  With this in  mind I went to college to enrol in a nail technician course only to be told it was Part 2 and they only do part 1 in the week when I work.  How unfair.  that was a chance to branch out on my own, which is what I want to do.  Back to the drawing board for me I think.

I have found my motivation.

Well I have not eaten chocolate or sweets since Friday.  That's 4 whole days whoop whoop go me.  This is despite being surrounded by chocolate at work and I even didn't join everybody else on Saturday munches.  I have been walking to work and even went on the treadmill yesterday.  I keep setting my alarm for early in the morning but I just have to accept that I am not a morning person and it's never going to happen.

The reason for all this motivation is that I have booked our fortieth Birthday party.  That is very exciting but now stressing that nobody is going to turn up.  Well I will be in a size 10 by then totally determined.

This is so hard!!

It's Saturday and I am at work surrounded by mountains of chocolates.  I am proud to report I have been at work 5 hours and not a single chocolate has passed by mouth.  I have decided to take it an hour at a time but I tell you what I feel really shaky.  I am sure its a sugar come down.  I really have had enough now.  I have broken into acne and all my clothes feel a little bit too snug for comfort and I really can't blame the tumble dryer for shrinking it!  I do have a curry when I get home but I am not going to drink wine and will not crack with the Saturday night munchies.  Just an hour at a time........

Week One dah dah dah

Ok just weighed and have stayed the same. Which, not the result I was hoping for at least I havn't put any weight on.  I really need to discover my will power as I am hoovering up the chocolates at work. Very bad times! must try harder.

Muffin Top

Well started day well nice healthy porridge.  Had my lovely friend round for dinner and ate a healthy baked spud and salad.  All very angelic. Then it went car crash wrong.  Unfortunately there is still a packet Asda Viennese biscuits in the cupboard that some kind hearted (but truly evil) person gave us for Christmas.  Now I swear that they actually spoke to me in the cupboard and before I knew it I had gobbled down four!!! Yes Four.  I haven't had any time to do any exercise and I am waiting for the husband to come back from badminton.  This I blame for the weakness of the biscuit.  Panicing now about Friday weigh in.  Will be very grateful if I haven't put on 1.5lb!!.

Going to listen to my Paul McKenna CD tonight.  Think Yourself Thin.  Need to get a grip on my compulsion.

Monce Pies 1 helen Nil

Off to a very bad start. The trouble is I have still have one packet of mince pies and a box of biscuits to go.  Today the kids went back and finding myself on an off guarded moment I realised I had accidentally popped a mince pie in my mouth.  And no this was not an ordinary mince pie this was an extra special all butter mince pie.  Then to make things worse because I had done that I then went and had 2 biscuits with my lunch and then 3 biscuits when I got home from school.  Bad Helen very bad Helen.

Not all bad though I walked down to Asda and back  and also did a session on the xbox.  On the whole though I have consumed far more calories then I have lost. 

Really must get to grips with this.  Only 4 more mince pies in the box left!!

Not off to a flying start.

I have a lady cold.... yes a lady cold so my new years good intentions are not off to a flying start.  I have still done my xbox work out.  The problem is there is so much food still in the house.  Yes I know that I don't have to eat it.  I think I am going to get Matt to take the last box of mince pies to work so I can start.  At least kids will be back to school Tuesday so lots of walking involved then and a bit of me time.  I haven't forgotten my goal of 1.5lb this week.